Emotion Bottle
I’ve come to realise at different stages of your life, you worry about different things. I also discovered that things that might shake you emotionally in the past, make not shake you now; vice versa.
It’s strange how the process of growing up is even more intriguing than evolution. Some emerge stronger, more mature, or even more successful. How do we define the meaning of living life to the fullest? There is no benchmark for living the best life, neither are there hard rules to follow.
I almost forgot about this blog. But i’m glad i remembered i had an avenue to express disappointments and sadness. It’s unexplainable why most of the posts here contain my most honest and depressing thoughts.
Today, i think i can honestly say that he wasn’t the man i knew 2.5 years ago. People change i guess. I hate being neglected, even more so when we’re 11,000km apart. I can’t quite say he’s the perfect guy anymore, not that I’m one to start with. Sometimes I feel so jaded knowing that I’m putting in more effort than him. Love can never be quantifiable, that I know. But it does put your feelings into jeopardy…
Estranged
Sometimes I feel there’s nothing I can do that’s ever good enough for me to feel I’m important here.
Even expressing my own anguish over social media websites is like a returning boomerang; only to be criticized. Instead of trying to show some form of consolation, it became my fault that I shouldn’t even be expressing my anger. Where the fuck is the logic? Instead of trying to find solutions that sparked the unhappiness and rage it was suggested that I swallow this bitter pill and keep my silence. This household runs just the way the country is being run. But guess what, fuck that I say.
I’m never submitting to anything I deem irrational or illogical. What is wrong with standing up for your own rights, or in this case, own comfort. 4 months, that’s how long I was told it would take. But it seems almost indefinite. Someone please shout “fair”.
I feel like I’m about to implode anytime. And even if I don’t, there’s no doubt I feel completely estranged from here. Blood ties, what’s that?
Broken
Why do I get this sick feeling that I’m no longer the family person I used to be. I forgot what it’s like to have fun and hang out together as one big family unit.
Now, I feel easily angered, indifferent when I’m with the family. I feel like I really can’t give a shit anymore. Say for eg, today is Mother’s Day, there’s not one ounce of guilt for not wishing my mom, planning a nice dinner or lunch just so for some family get togetherness.
Do we grow further apart from our parents as we grow older since the focus has now shifted to our own lives ie career/relationship. Or has my family changed?
I really don’t deny that now i don’t put in any effort or attempt to spend time with them ever since the Casino was built here. I most certainly also hate to admit that the Casino made my family unit a dysfunctional one.
Gone were the days my parents would want to take us out for Sunday Lunches or Dinner or to the mall just to hang out. They’d rather be wasting their time entire day away at the Casino. They can say, well, we’ve all grown up, they don’t need parents to be there anymore. They are right. Then as children, can we also say since they don’t want us to be with them, let’s just move on and get involved in our own lives instead of theirs or the family so to speak.
Several occasions, I tried organising dinner on weekdays or weekends. But i was shoved and told to make my own arrangements for dinner because they would be out. And i always came back to an empty home. They won’t tell me where they’re going, they would say Vivocity. It’s as though the word ‘Casino’ is taboo. Up to this point, I don’t understand why won’t they be more forthright about it. Are they ashamed?
They probably are. So am I of them. Extremely selfish people.
Call me an ingrate. But till today, I haven’t taken over the responsibilities of paying for the bills at home even though i have the capacity to. I do give my parents allowance. I’m not sure what they’ve used it for. And neither have i increased their allowance. Criticise me all you want. But, my point is, if they have money to a) pay $2k for an annual membership, b) risk losing at least $50 to the casino, and not getting anything back in return, it’s evident they have more than enough to spend.
I hate it how they always tell me times are hard, money is hard to come by, meals close to $100 are so expensive, but simply wont bat an eyelid when they place a $100 stake on the betting table. I had enough of those bollocks. If they’re one of those ppl, who stinge on meals or any other expenditure because they are truly thrifty, or saving up for retirement, I would be more than glad to chip in in every possible way. Or even take them on a holiday.
Alas, they still don’t get the idea that at Casinos, the house always wins. How else do you explain the millions of dollars of quarterly profit of Genting and Marina Bay Sands. So one day, if they’ve finally realised that they do not have enough money for retirement, i’ll gladly refer them to this post. I TOLD YOU SO. And they can blame themselves. Not me.
More often than not, I feel i simply have a roof over my head, and not a family which i can come home to.
Time, won’t you wait for me?
Time has flown faster than I expected.
I’ll be 4 months into my job, and almost a year into coupledom. Everything’s been perfect, maybe with the exception of the occasional stress at work; which more often than not makes me wonder if I’m cut out for this job. But I reckon it’s only a transient phase I go through whenever I’m stressed out of my brains.
That being said, I don’t think I want to look for any progression beyond my current position. I’m happy with what I’m doing. Honestly, I just want to be comfortable at work, earn a decent pay and have my weekends free. Simple enough?
Alas, at the end of the day, I just want to lead a simple and happy married life. 🙂 I can’t describe how wonderful Mun is. According to Steph, he’s got a big heart. On the exterior he may appear angsty or indifferent, but once you know him, or once you’ve become the love of his life, he’s a totally different person. Caring, giving and loving. That’s who he is.
To others, he couldn’t give a damn, but to me, he’s attentive and absolutely loving. He’s probably everything I wanted in a guy. Resourceful, IT support guy who can fix all my computers and solve all technical problems, geeky, funny, witty, great taste in food, gives in to me when I’m PMS-ing, and most importantly, he loves his family. He’s non-judgmental nor petty. And that’s pretty awesome too.
I remembered once he told me, the things that matter to him were his family, me and my family. That made me felt like a billion dollars.
In Melbourne, he took great care of me. He’ll wear my scarf for me before we leave the house and never fail to keep me warm. He cooks for me while I nap and make supper whenever I was hungry. He turns on the electric blanket and heater because I was cold, something he wouldn’t do for himself because he said it consumed alot of electricity. So, what did I do for him? I washed my hands under icy cold water and then place my freezing hands on his belly till he jumps. Muahahaha!
I couldn’t ask for more. (maybe except that he should learn to like sports abit more)
The Return of The BF
The boyfriend is finally back in Singapore albeit only for a week. It’s been 2 months since we’ve seen each other. It’s nothing but awesome to have him back on this sunny island.
Half of his time here will probably be spent with his family, to which he never fails to include me in all these family gatherings. This evening, I had dinner with his family; his parents, his siblings and their other halves. I can’t help but say how much I love family dinners especially if it’s home cooked. It’s such a shame how my family never had something like that, or maybe we had, until my grandmother stopped cooking. Home cooked food is so comforting, it beats all the shit they serve in commercialised restaurants; which is why I always find home cooked meals extremely special.
His family kinda reminded me those families I always see on TV dramas. Everyone eats dinner at a round table using chopsticks and then after dinner they retreat to the sofa and start bonding while having fruits in front of the TV. To a certain extent, I feel his family is so much more complete than mine, although in truth, it isn’t. At least it was picture perfect. Nonetheless, I still like hanging out with him and his family. It kinda fills part of the void in me, especially the home cooked food bit.
ps: At some point, it did feel like we’re a married couple having all these family gatherings. Is this what married couples usually do on weekends?
pps: I really wish he didn’t have to go back so quickly! 😦
Of Ex
Is it weird if for some unknown reason I chose not to make a conscientious effort to keep in touch with the Ex anymore? I really don’t see a point cuz it only serves to remind me what I couldn’t stand about him and why I didn’t break up with him earlier.
Or maybe, I’m just happy and contented with my man right now.
An Ex can only be a thing of the past, and nothing more.
Empty
Sometimes I really wonder if I’m starting to sink into depression week after week.
Often, I feel maybe I’m meant to live the life of a lone ranger. And if that’s gonna be the case, I would rather be living in another continent.
My boyfriend, I think he’s better off with Starcraft than with me because the former doesn’t come with an emotional baggage; something he probably hates dealing with.
Isn’t life great?
I’ve been reading too many articles about life and living life, most of which had an emphasis on an indepth value of life.
Life really isn’t about how much you have in your bank account, or the title printed on your business card. There’s so much more to life than just that. Living life isn’t about finding a job just for the sake of having one, so you won’t be termed as a ‘jobless bum’. Life is really too short to be slaving to a job which you’re truly unhappy about. How meaningful can it be waking up to each morning for a job you absolutely hate or having to face a shitty boss when you arrive at the office.
It dawned on me that life is also very fragile, with the recent news of my good friend’s loss of his dad. Is life all about earning so much money and climbing the corporate ladder not knowing that we could be gone the very next moment?
In all honesty, i wouldnt say the move to D-B-S(hit) was a very terrible one. At least i’ve learnt to re-evaluate everything i had and also what i really want in life.
It’s not that i’m not ambitious or not driven for success. Really, who wouldn’t want a luxurious life, but again i ask myself, what good is a luxurious life when deep down while achieving all the wants every man could get makes you a unhappy person.
First Time
You know people always say there’s a first time to everything. I’m very sure of that.
This year, i’ve experienced many ‘First Times’.
In no chronological order:
– UTI
– Fissure in my butt
– Gum infection
– Wisdom tooth extract
– Plantar Wart
– Plantar facitiiis
Amongst all the medical conditions above (which i can also proudly say that i’ve self diagnosed all of them myself too), i’ve also completed my first half marathon. What an achievement. I never thought i could run so much, but not without paying a hefty price. (Refer to last medication condition)
Also, i’m going on my first (and i hope the last) sabbatical. I don’t believe myself sometimes. Leaving without a job to go on a holiday? But i’m sure it’s all worth it. 5 weeks of being with the BF! woo! My stay in Melbourne would probably bring our relationship to a different level.
2010 really marked a lot of memorable events. It is indeed a special year, where i’ve reached different milestones and stages in my life. This, is probably what Quarter Life Crisis is all about.
Catch 22
Today I visited my family doctor to ascertain my own prognosis. He confirmed that I had anal fissure.
Like what the hell right. Well, I’ve been constipating for the longest time, coupled with IBS and poor bowel habits and diet, this is a good wake up call.
I must also applaude myself for always accurately diagnosing my own medical condition thanks to Google and whatever science/medical background I may have acquired as a life science graduate.
Nevertheless, treating anal fissure is like a catch 22 situation. Clearing your bowels daily won’t give the fissure enough time to heal. Avoiding clearing the bowels would mean an impending nightmare to the rectal tissue, rendering a deeper fissure. The best solution would be to take lactulose and application of hydrocortisone. which I already have but the doctor still prescribed it to me. I really think I can be a General Practitioner.
On another random note, the doctor I saw also treated my UTI previously. He must really be thinking what the hell is really wrong with me, always seeking consultation for the most intimate medical condition.
For one, his clinic is a stone’s throw from my place. And most importantly, he didn’t make me feel awkward. That’s what all doctors should make their patients feel right? (more so if their patient is of the opposite gender)
Good on you, Dr Chong!
20-something 