Broken
Why do I get this sick feeling that I’m no longer the family person I used to be. I forgot what it’s like to have fun and hang out together as one big family unit.
Now, I feel easily angered, indifferent when I’m with the family. I feel like I really can’t give a shit anymore. Say for eg, today is Mother’s Day, there’s not one ounce of guilt for not wishing my mom, planning a nice dinner or lunch just so for some family get togetherness.
Do we grow further apart from our parents as we grow older since the focus has now shifted to our own lives ie career/relationship. Or has my family changed?
I really don’t deny that now i don’t put in any effort or attempt to spend time with them ever since the Casino was built here. I most certainly also hate to admit that the Casino made my family unit a dysfunctional one.
Gone were the days my parents would want to take us out for Sunday Lunches or Dinner or to the mall just to hang out. They’d rather be wasting their time entire day away at the Casino. They can say, well, we’ve all grown up, they don’t need parents to be there anymore. They are right. Then as children, can we also say since they don’t want us to be with them, let’s just move on and get involved in our own lives instead of theirs or the family so to speak.
Several occasions, I tried organising dinner on weekdays or weekends. But i was shoved and told to make my own arrangements for dinner because they would be out. And i always came back to an empty home. They won’t tell me where they’re going, they would say Vivocity. It’s as though the word ‘Casino’ is taboo. Up to this point, I don’t understand why won’t they be more forthright about it. Are they ashamed?
They probably are. So am I of them. Extremely selfish people.
Call me an ingrate. But till today, I haven’t taken over the responsibilities of paying for the bills at home even though i have the capacity to. I do give my parents allowance. I’m not sure what they’ve used it for. And neither have i increased their allowance. Criticise me all you want. But, my point is, if they have money to a) pay $2k for an annual membership, b) risk losing at least $50 to the casino, and not getting anything back in return, it’s evident they have more than enough to spend.
I hate it how they always tell me times are hard, money is hard to come by, meals close to $100 are so expensive, but simply wont bat an eyelid when they place a $100 stake on the betting table. I had enough of those bollocks. If they’re one of those ppl, who stinge on meals or any other expenditure because they are truly thrifty, or saving up for retirement, I would be more than glad to chip in in every possible way. Or even take them on a holiday.
Alas, they still don’t get the idea that at Casinos, the house always wins. How else do you explain the millions of dollars of quarterly profit of Genting and Marina Bay Sands. So one day, if they’ve finally realised that they do not have enough money for retirement, i’ll gladly refer them to this post. I TOLD YOU SO. And they can blame themselves. Not me.
More often than not, I feel i simply have a roof over my head, and not a family which i can come home to.
The Return of The BF
The boyfriend is finally back in Singapore albeit only for a week. It’s been 2 months since we’ve seen each other. It’s nothing but awesome to have him back on this sunny island.
Half of his time here will probably be spent with his family, to which he never fails to include me in all these family gatherings. This evening, I had dinner with his family; his parents, his siblings and their other halves. I can’t help but say how much I love family dinners especially if it’s home cooked. It’s such a shame how my family never had something like that, or maybe we had, until my grandmother stopped cooking. Home cooked food is so comforting, it beats all the shit they serve in commercialised restaurants; which is why I always find home cooked meals extremely special.
His family kinda reminded me those families I always see on TV dramas. Everyone eats dinner at a round table using chopsticks and then after dinner they retreat to the sofa and start bonding while having fruits in front of the TV. To a certain extent, I feel his family is so much more complete than mine, although in truth, it isn’t. At least it was picture perfect. Nonetheless, I still like hanging out with him and his family. It kinda fills part of the void in me, especially the home cooked food bit.
ps: At some point, it did feel like we’re a married couple having all these family gatherings. Is this what married couples usually do on weekends?
pps: I really wish he didn’t have to go back so quickly! 😦
Shame
This post is intended illustrate how unbelievably selfish my family members are, with a narrow focus on my mom.
Sometimes i don’t even know why i’ve to call her mom. Only because genetically, i carry her maternal mitochondria.
But that’s besides the point.
This is already the second time that this had happened.
It was pouring like mad, i was at the bus stop opposite my house without an umbrella. I made a call to ask if she could bring me an umbrella (just like family members who brought an umbrella for their loved ones who were also waiting at the bus stop), she replied everyone at home has showered, and she suggested that i share an umbrella with other strangers. I said fine, albeit reluctantly, hoping reverse psychology would work, but it didn’t. Alas, she hung up the phone nonchalantly without a tinge of guilt, leaving me stranded at the bus stop.
Which mother would ever do that? That is something unfathomable.
Whatever happened to unconditional love? or the greatness of a mother (besides the stupid labour she had to go through). I’m not saying i’m a saint. I’ve been filial, i never let her down, and i never ever strayed during my adolescence years. Not even now. I paid for my own education, i graduated from university, i’ve got a stable job, i give them allowance. I never had to let them worry. Why am i being treated as though i was a fucking screwed up daughter whom they couldn’t even care less.
Why can’t i have a mom who’s half as good as Cecilia’s mom? Or at least a mom that really shows she cares. Did she bring me to earth only to be her cash cow in her retirement years?
I really wished next time the lightning would strike me, leaving me lying motionless on the road. That would make them guilty for the rest of their lives.
She probably won’t see this. I’ll probably let her in on this one on my deathbed if i die before her.
family disputes
It upsets me so much whenever the family gets into a dispute.
Today’s incident just validated whatever pre-conceived judgment that i’ve had about my brother.
Ever since i told on him when i caught him smoking, things were never too smooth between us. I even wrote him a heart felt letter to tell him how apologetic i was, but i still had to do the right thing nonetheless.
We hardly spoke after. The only personal communication we had was via SMS, on our birthdays.
And i thought he might have grown matured. Not until today.
Fucking hell. All he does is push the blame to people, and conveniently using his NS as some fucked up excuse for not helping out at home.
Honestly, if you have the time to date, wake up at 3pm every damn weekend. What do you mean you don’t have the time? If you’ve had the time, you would even offer to wash the laundry together with your uniform, and not just your own uniform. If you had the time, you would even offer to clean the fan. He needs to stop finding excuses for himself and stop to reflect. I’m definitely no angel, at least i admit i was wrong. He? Fuck him!
And before i could even say a thing, all he did was point fingers and started getting all defensive. Fuck him seriously. From the start, he was a total self-centered prude, probably from how my mother dote on him the most since young. Till now, he’s still like that. I can only bless his girlfriend with infinite amount of happiness, until she realise how submissive she is. I hope she isn’t being treated like a door mat.
In the midst of our heated argument, i gave him a fucking piece of my mind. If he was being favoured by my mom, then he should jolly well do whatever she says and not push the blame to me, just because i’m the eldest.
It really really upsets me whenever that topic surfaces. Somethings when experienced since childhood can actually be hard to be forget. Back in primary school,I remember writing down in my diary whenever i felt like i was in the shadows of my brother, or how unfairly i was treated, to a certain extent sometimes i also question myself if i’m really their kid. You would’ve never imagined the vast preferential treatment he gets over me. And believe me, you never want to read that diary. It was as depressing as it can be. Maybe thats why this whole self esteem thing is still in the way. I guess a person’s childhood really moulds his/her future.
I’ve come to a decision to be as open and honest in this blog. Only because i know not many people know of it. This is quite a good avenue to pour all emotions out.
On the folks irrationality
I simply don’t get what my folks are thinking at times. Or are they even not?
For starter, I stayed home all day (read: not even attempting to go to gym as initially planned) just so I thought I could celebrate my moms birthday. Birthday comes once a year, and this definitely deserves top priority amongst other plans for the day. I would also expect that from them. No negotiation. Period. A yearly event, don’t tell me you can’t put aside other plans for the next 364 days. Fair enough?
So I fucking wasted the whole day watching the TV only to find out by evening that my brother planned on taking the car out to a wedding dinner at harbour front. May I even ask why the fuck does he even need the car when harbour front is easily accessible by train. And it’s not like he’s attending a black tie event where it’ll be almost embarrassing to take public transport while wearing a bow tie around your neck.
Seriously, what’s the fucking problem here? Why is it so hard to understand that the cardinal rule here is that no one touches the car except my dad on a Family day. ie Sunday. Not unless the folks are not around, which he would also insolently use the car like I was banished permanently from the ‘family car waiting list’. I wonder if EQ is even inherent in him.
And when there’s dispute about usage of the car, it’ll naturally lead to the petrol issue. I’ll probably never forget this incident how I was made to top up petrol because I was using the car “too often” when all I wanted was to drive to Bedok. Mind you, it’s not fucking harbour front back and forth. Call me petty or someone who has too good a memory for grudges but isnt this irrationality? So what if i’m earning? Is this how folks should exploit their income earning kids while continue pampering the rest still considered as ‘dependents’?
Footnote: I was reminded by my mom last week to top up petrol/cashcard it runs low when I took the car out to parkway. How come he fucking never gets that!
Don’t even get me talking about the weekly transport he gets back to camp to the other end of the island; which I probably didn’t deserve back when I had to travel to Sembawang for chemistry classes because it was “too far”. Or even my university campus.
You may think this is all childish and stuff. Me whining about favouritism and being petty ; ultimately all these still stemmed from childhood insecurities that I went through and am going through now. It tends to surface once in a while even though I’m already 25 years old.
Back to the my day. I just got back from a run because I was too frustrated. And after my run, my folks asked me for dinner; where else but the fucking neighbourhood. Fuck dinner. I can’t be bothered.
In short, I reserved my Sunday only to feel this sense of biasness and complete sense of non-appreciation from my folks, and to have dinner at the neighbourhood.
You know what? Fuck family day!
comfort food for the soul
There is nothing more comforting than a packet of plain Meiji crackers along with a cup of hot milo when you realised your blood glucose level is plunging faster than the speed of light at this stupid ungodly hour.
It is the perfect combination of semi-sweet and salty. Note that i do not add anything else to my milo, other than hot water. This also reminds me when my mom used to tell me that was one of their staples. They didn’t have Oreos nor Pepperidge Farm cookies. The Meiji crackers were in placed of Marie Biscuits.
This combi was also known as the “food sick people used to eat”. It probably was comfort food for my mom as well. She would dip the biscuits into her milo like how we dunk our oreos into milk. With that, she was just as happy.
Then it dawned on me how affluent the world is becoming; or rather most parts of the world. And then the income gap between the poor and the affluent gets staggeringly wider. Wonder how the world will evolve next time.
I also found out from a colleague of mine that he’s got a client who has set aside at least 1 mil to his kids for education. Can you imagine how lucky his kids are? They don’t need a part time job nor an education loan. His rationale behind this would be, he would save for them till they’ve found a job (presumably 2-3 years after they’ve graduated), and from then on, they are on their own. The rest of their money will be used to build their retirement nest.
I hope his kids do not take things for granted that the road ahead of them will be well-paved till they’ve stepped into the workforce. You know the usual chinese saying: 衣来伸手,饭来张口。
On hindsight, if only my parents were like the client, (obviously not about the 1 million savings part), who saved enough for me till i’ve grown into a full fledged working adult, i would call myself the luckiest kid on earth.Who likes being burdened with exorbitant study loan payments (mind you, it’s only local uni we’re talking about) or even insurance premiums payable for life? And if i may recall, the maturity proceeds from my education endowment bought by my parents actually went to the hands of the Asian Financial Crisis.
Then again,putting things into perspective, i could actually have been the slightly luckier few. i never had to live day to day with pittance from part time work during my college days. Or slogged just to make ends meet to pay off misc stuff like textbooks and transport in university.
I need to learn how to count my blessings.
Nonetheless, the client’s plan is a really awesome one which i would consider doing the same for my own kids in future. Whether or not i marry a rich dude.
I think the lack of visuals makes my blog a really boring one. Maybe i should post a couple of them if my life decides to get more interesting
p.s: i can’t find my coaster to place my hot milo, and that is annoying me so much.
20-something 